Ugh. Let me get a bit honest here…

So, if you know me at all, you’ll know that I have a minor stuttering problem.  It can get worse if I’m stressed out or frustrated, but for the most part I try to keep it hidden.
Anyway, because of this, I’m honestly really nervous about teaching.  Mainly because my voice is supposed to be so important in what I do.  I also know that Koreans are very much about appearance and that sort of thing…so I’ve also been nervous that I’ll end up getting fired or something because of it.  😦  😦 😦  What a shitty reason to get let go from a job.
I checked (again) on therapy and my insurance covers a whole 2 (TWO) doctors here in the St. Louis area (out of a few thousand) that specialize in speech therapy.  One lady charges like $300/session and it’s a 12 week session…uh…I don’t have 12 weeks or $300.  So..I guess I’ll have to just chance the whole thing.
I’ve been thinking on this since I accepted the job, and thought more of it just now when I called the nearest police station to see if they did fingerprinting for visas.  (I need a second set to get another background check.  Hoo.rah.  And the other place I went to last time said you’re supposed to go to your city’s dept…whoops.  ah well.)  Anyway, apparently they don’t.

I’m just…frustrated.  I wish I could talk like a regular person.  My friends that know me would probably say that you can barely tell (because I work to hide it) or that they don’t notice it…and it’s not all that frequent…it’s just that it’s a constant struggle…for me.  Not being able to get out what you want to say, when and how you want to…it sucks.  It’s nice living around people though who already know about it, so I don’t have to keep explaining myself or apologizing.  Oh and yeah, when people think it’s some sort of joke or something I’m doing on purpose is pretty hilarious too.  I love getting mocked by people and told to “just spit it out”.  Right.  Let me just get on that…

Anyway, this whole vent started with my call the that police station.  I couldn’t get the word “fingerprints” out, and ended up having to force it out.  It’s just so shitty.  And then the lady on the other side sounded annoyed with me.
Ugh. 😦
I just hope I don’t get fired for something like this.  :-/


Somewhat unrelated, but I *love* this interview with Colin Firth about his role in The King’s Speech.

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4 thoughts on “Ugh. Let me get a bit honest here…

  1. This is probably my favorite of your blog entries you know why? Because finding out our about your stutter makes you more endearing to me. I can relate to you more. I myself don’t have a speech impediment but I do know what it is like to suffer from “imperfections” except mine are physical in nature. My twin sister and I were born 3 months premature we had to be incubators for another month or so so we can finish developing. My sister was born the weakest but I was born with the more noticeable physical abnormalities.Right off the bat I had a really red raised birthmark on my back near my right shoulder blade… today it’s flesh colored but still a noticeable bump.As a small baby they noticed my left eye was severely crossed it was not focusing on people when I looked at them, I had to wear an eye patch for a couple of years until I had surgery to correct it. It’s a lot better now but still have issues with it, for that reason I really don’t like pictures of myself because of my lazy eye. Also during my development my mom noticed I was way behind that of my sister I was not crawling on my own when she was or couldn’t walk when she was, I also couldn’t talk when she started to talk so yeah in a way I had slow speech development. I didn’t start talking until sometime in preschool or kindergarten. Doctors and therapists worked with me. I had to use a wheelchair for a while because I still could not keep my balance when I walked. it was due to a short and tight Achilles tendon and weak hamstring muscles in my right leg. I was also diagnosed with a minor case of cerebral palsy because they said that the left side of my brain that controls the right side of my body can’t get the messages to the muscles in my right foot to do what I want them to do almost like it was paralyzed… so I can’t bend my toes on my right foot even if you paid me a million dollars. Growing up I had to wear a bulky leg brace to school and I got many stares and funny questions as well. Today I don’t wear the brace but I still wish I could walk normally without a limp. When I was small surgery was an option but I was such a wimp back then. Now it’s too late since I don’t have insurance. So yeah I just want you to know that your honesty is refreshing and that you are no way alone in the wanting to be normal department….but then again no one is truly normal it’s what makes us human and although there are times I wish I was more normal physically like my sister. I think to myself I am actually one of the lucky ones because going through this makes me more compassionate towards others and the problems they go trough and try not to judge others based on physical appearance and/or disorder. I admire you so much because you don’t let peoples comments get to you and you still keep on blazing the trail of your life. You will be an awesome teacher! I have a good feeling about that.I know the first week of teaching would be hard on anybody, but you’ll be comfortable in your surroundings in no time… as for me I hope they don’t ask me to be part of a game or physical activity that requires balancing or skipping I can’t do those to save my life…. oh or wear flip flops I never been able to wear those hahaha. it would just slip off since my toes can’t grip. 😀

  2. You’re awesome Stacey. I am really proud of you. I have been wondering if you were nervous about teaching and the stuttering…. Now I know.

    I hope you can remain calm & just be honest. You are great how you are….keep doing you 🙂 🙂

    I miss you, btw!

  3. Praying for you love. I’ve always loved and admired you. I remember going to see the King’s Speech with you, and I remember how empowered you were after that movie 🙂 You are a wonderful, beautiful person. God’s got your back and he’ll take care of you.

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